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Downvote this page so that the lowest page on the lowest pages page can be the lowest pages page!


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by VizloxVizlox, 12 Jul 2018 17:50
VizloxVizlox 10 Jul 2018 22:40
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » A-017

Written by myself, critiqued by latomuslatomus and InkguyInkguy.


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by VizloxVizlox, 10 Jul 2018 22:40

Got more critique on Discord. Posting now.


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Re: A-017 "John Plexett" by VizloxVizlox, 10 Jul 2018 22:32

http://gear-sandbox.wikidot.com/vizlox-s-sandbox
The second tab, labeled A-017.

This is the final round of critique before I post this article.


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A-017 "John Plexett" by VizloxVizlox, 10 Jul 2018 12:54

Now that I think about it, it might make more sense for them to both be subsets, and neither be A-017 itself. John isn't actually the anomaly, but John is also a large threat to GEAR in relation to the object.


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Re: A-017 "John Plexett" by VizloxVizlox, 09 Jul 2018 22:46

I can see why the containment procedures would be a bit confusing. It would also make more sense for the harness to be the actual anomaly and John is just a subset. I'll also take a look at the explanation for where the crystals were found, and flesh that out a bit as you suggested.


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Re: A-017 "John Plexett" by VizloxVizlox, 09 Jul 2018 22:34

I'm a bit torn. Overall, I like the interview and general idea as it takes shape, but I feel the "containment procedures" need to be overworked to help better the pacing. The first time reading, I was assuming that A-017 was held in a harness to contain him even though you clearly wrote that it needs to be deactivated to immobilize him. As my first association with the word "harness" itself is costriction though, rather than create intrigue for what it was I first assumed you just withheld getting into too much detail about what kind of containment procedure it exactly is before finally getting it at the description. I think this problem could be remedied by calling the harness A-017-A, or maybe even A-017 itself and the man A-017-A, as it's actually the harness and not him that's anomalous. That way the intrigue would be kept as it is while still being clearer about the item being part of him rather than containment.

I'm not sure if I would suggest getting more detailed or vague about the crystal. As in either him just calling it "something they found in the mountains", "some purple thing they dug up" or "some sorta crystal they procured from who knows where", as the way it's worded now it feels a bit too macguffin-y.

Last point of critique is that I felt you often used the same word too closely in conjunction, but that's not that big an issue with the scientific style.

Other than that, bretty gud.

Re: A-017 "John Plexett" by InkguyInkguy, 09 Jul 2018 22:26

http://gear-sandbox.wikidot.com/vizlox-s-sandbox
The second tab, labeled A-017.

I've been working on this for awhile now, and I think it is finally good enough to post for critique. This is probably one of the most ambitious articles I've written, so I wouldn't be surprised if it failed spectacularly.

All critique is welcome. After I get some here, I will post in the final drafts thread for more critique before I decide to post or not.

Edit: The article was modified based on Inkguy's critique.

Edit: MOVED TO FINAL DRAFTS FORUM. CRITIQUE THERE PLEASE.


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A-017 "John Plexett" by VizloxVizlox, 09 Jul 2018 20:35
VizloxVizlox 08 Jul 2018 00:09
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » A-056

I liked the general concept and flow, but the strikethrough text felt really random and out of place, often causing confusion. I had to reread those portions a few times over just to understand what is being said. There were also a few grammar mistakes, but not as important.

Overall: no vote


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by VizloxVizlox, 08 Jul 2018 00:09
VizloxVizlox 08 Jul 2018 00:01
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » A-054

I think that the article as a whole is a bit clunky, but has the potential for a good story.

It is presumed that upon reaching an angle of 90 degrees, Alpha-054 will act as two way portal allowing the entity behind it to fully exit without requiring a proxy. Due to the effects of partial entry, it can be presumed that such an event would simply result in extinction of all life at best, and at worst permanently corrupting reality to the point of unrecognizability in order to make it more habitable for the entity.

I found it a bit unrealistic that GEAR were able to make these asumptions. There was no recorded test that would suggest an entity was behind the door.

Also, I found the music part of the containment procedures a bit random. Why the fuck would playing loud music have an effect?

Finally, it was a bit confusing to have both objects under the same designation. Whenever I saw "A-054", I thought "are they talking about the eye or the door?".

Overall: -1. I will update my vote later if changes are made.


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by VizloxVizlox, 08 Jul 2018 00:01
Re: A-004
SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin 07 Jul 2018 20:31
in discussion Community / Drafts & Critique » A-004

A-004
Asset Name:”Atlas Ants”
Scientific Name: “Lasius Niger”

Object Class: Alpha-IV

Containment Procedures: A-004 is to be contained within a room reinforced with 1.52 metres (Approx 5 feet) of steel and lengthed at 15.24 metres (Approx 50 feet) with a width of 6.09 metres (Approx 20 feet) and a depth of 15.24 metres as well. The room is to be filled up to 12.19 metres (Approx 40 feet) and populated with local species of Aphids/Aphididae and local species of cultivative fungus. + Don't do bizzare metric measurements because it works in feet. Just remember that 6 feet is 2.2 meters and try to have rounded numbers. Decorated with decaying trees and brustling underbrush and non-specific berry bushes, The access door to the room and the rims of the observation window is to be regularly lined with PTFE. A-004 is to be regularly inspected for the status of the colony to determine the need for culling or regular feeding of local roaches and worms. If the colony exceeds the set population limit or bypasses containment a culling is to be commenced by collapsing portions of the colony using pesticide and stray specimens are to be dispatched as seen fit by staff.

Description/Properties: Specimens of A-004 or “Atlas Ants” as they’re affectionately referred to by research and observation staff by all observable means appear to be completely mundane specimens of common household black ants or “Lasius Niger”. The anomalous property that justifies containment is the ability to lift approximately 10 times that of a adult human male with little to no effort on the specimens part, Specimens of A-004 are also observed to weigh approximately the same as the average adult. Upon autopsy of individual subjects by Dr.Abel the musleculture and build-up of A-004 are relatively the same as compared to standard specimens of Black Ants. Beyond this no other anomalous behaviour has been shown as of last known testing.

-Access Codes Level 3 required-

Request Confirmed.

Accepted.

Initial Recovery: September 19 [Redacted]
Seismic disturbances were recorded around 2:43 am PST 50 miles north of [Redacted]
The seismic scale registered the disturbance with a magnitude of 6.1
“Talent Scouts” were sent to determine whether the cause of the event was anomalous after it continued for 6 hours and 12 minutes. A local farmer [Redacted] had described the event as “Like a buncha tiny quakes all at once”. After determining the source being a mass migration of a colony of now known specimens of A-004 “Janitors” were sent to clean up the damage around the immediate area and conduct community search and rescues under the guise of [Redacted] While “Accountants” were sent to assess and retrive the offending subjects. Earthquakes subsided 3 hours after departure and a count of 200 Specimens including a Queen of A-004 were retrieved with the underground colony cleared and filled.

Re: A-004 by SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin, 07 Jul 2018 20:31
A-004
LawleiousLawleious 07 Jul 2018 08:19
in discussion Community / Drafts & Critique » A-004

A-004
Asset Name:”Atlas Ants”
Scientific Name: “Lasius Niger”

Object Class: Alpha-IV

Containment Procedures: A-004 is to be contained within a room reinforced with 1.52 metres (Approx 5 feet) of steel and lengthed at 15.24 metres (Approx 50 feet) with a width of 6.09 metres (Approx 20 feet) and a depth of 15.24 metres as well. The room is to be filled up to 12.19 metres (Approx 40 feet) and populated with local species of Aphids/Aphididae and local species of cultivative fungus. Decorated with decaying trees and brustling underbrush and non-specific berry bushes, The access door to the room and the rims of the observation window is to be regularly lined with PTFE. A-004 is to be regularly inspected for the status of the colony to determine the need for culling or regular feeding of local roaches and worms. If the colony exceeds the set population limit or bypasses containment a culling is to be commenced by collapsing portions of the colony using pesticide and stray specimens are to be dispatched as seen fit by staff.

Description/Properties: Specimens of A-004 or “Atlas Ants” as they’re affectionately referred to by research and observation staff by all observable means appear to be completely mundane specimens of common household black ants or “Lasius Niger”. The anomalous property that justifies containment is the ability to lift approximately 10 times that of a adult human male with little to no effort on the specimens part, Specimens of A-004 are also observed to weigh approximately the same as the average adult. Upon autopsy of individual subjects by Dr.Abel the musleculture and build-up of A-004 are relatively the same as compared to standard specimens of Black Ants. Beyond this no other anomalous behaviour has been shown as of last known testing.

-Access Codes Level 3 required-

Request Confirmed.

Accepted.

Initial Recovery: September 19 [Redacted]
Seismic disturbances were recorded around 2:43 am PST 50 miles north of [Redacted]
The seismic scale registered the disturbance with a magnitude of 6.1
“Talent Scouts” were sent to determine whether the cause of the event was anomalous after it continued for 6 hours and 12 minutes. A local farmer [Redacted] had described the event as “Like a buncha tiny quakes all at once”. After determining the source being a mass migration of a colony of now known specimens of A-004 “Janitors” were sent to clean up the damage around the immediate area and conduct community search and rescues under the guise of [Redacted] While “Accountants” were sent to assess and retrive the offending subjects. Earthquakes subsided 3 hours after departure and a count of 200 Specimens including a Queen of A-004 were retrieved with the underground colony cleared and filled.

A-004 by LawleiousLawleious, 07 Jul 2018 08:19
Re: Antss
SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin 05 Jul 2018 22:35
in discussion Community / General Discussion » Antss

nno thx

Re: Antss by SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin, 05 Jul 2018 22:35
Re: Antss
VizloxVizlox 28 Jun 2018 19:40
in discussion Community / General Discussion » Antss

Eat them


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Re: Antss by VizloxVizlox, 28 Jun 2018 19:40
Antss
SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin 28 Jun 2018 16:17
in discussion Community / General Discussion » Antss

seet itle

Antss by SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin, 28 Jun 2018 16:17
Re: ARC 069
SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin 28 Jun 2018 15:06
in discussion Community / Drafts & Critique » ARC 069

There is no joke buddy
ill tell you this much - a lake is a common metaphor for the mind of the protagonist. the item name is the tyranny of bureaucracy

the home is a metaphor for yourself

Re: ARC 069 by SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin, 28 Jun 2018 15:06
Re: ARC 069
VizloxVizlox 27 Jun 2018 20:42
in discussion Community / Drafts & Critique » ARC 069

still feels a little forced, but it is subjective. Most people might like it. It's a bit weird because it would make more sense to be a -J article, but at the same time, having it as a -J article would ruin the joke.


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Re: ARC 069 by VizloxVizlox, 27 Jun 2018 20:42
Re: ARC 069
SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin 27 Jun 2018 20:10
in discussion Community / Drafts & Critique » ARC 069

It's all explained in this.
Obligatory Mandatory format screw

Re: ARC 069 by SloopLiztminSloopLiztmin, 27 Jun 2018 20:10
Re: ARC 069
VizloxVizlox 27 Jun 2018 16:41
in discussion Community / Drafts & Critique » ARC 069

Seems a bit odd to have this as an actual asset document. It would need to be more clear why this is a format screw.


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Re: ARC 069 by VizloxVizlox, 27 Jun 2018 16:41

Adam stepped through the red door to his house. It was an old, three tiered house, built in the late 1900's with a view of the dark lake. He had been working for three years, and was ready to move out. Adam was a zookeeper, he tended to the cages, working to ensure they were properly taken care of, both for the safety of the visitors, and the animals kept inside, but he felt that his calling was to write.

The inside of the house was empty, at least physically; the memories within were more valuable than any physical possessions. Adam had grown up in this house. It was hard to describe the feeling it brought to him in any standard way, as if something was keeping him from putting it into words. He touched the peeling paint, before crossing to the bookshelf. He hadn't packed it away yet. All that was there was a single book - the title was always something that had interested him, as he couldn't find any mention of it online. The Tyranny of Bureaucracy was it's title. He had never finished it, the writing style was strange compared to anything he had read before, as if the author was rebelling against the very structure that had brought together the modern system of literature. Whenever he tried to describe the book to his colleagues at work, he found it hard to put into words.

Adam took the book and left the house. The dark lake sat, clear and dull. Something stirred beneath it. He leaned forward, staring into the depths. He touched the water, sending ripples across it, breaking the mirror-like, uniform surface. A gust of wind sent the lake rippling further, drawing further distance from the original state of calm order.

Adam sat at the edge of the water, and looked back at the book in his hand. He thought about how he got it, so many years ago, at a small Canadian bookstore. The owner didn't know where it had come from, in fact, there was no barcode or label on the back of the book. Adam always found that strange. He had simply paid the man five dollars, and left with the book. After that, it had simply sat on a small, oaken bookcase for years, bothering no-one and doing nothing.

As Adam opened the book, a gust of wind sent the lake's surface into a frenzy. He felt that a chapter in his life was closing, with him leaving his childhood home. He quietly, but audibly began to read the book, so absorbed in reading it that he did not notice the dark clouds gathering above. Then, with a crash, lightning blazed across the sky, connecting with the roof of the house, setting it ablaze.

Adam panicked. The house he grew up in, all the memories, the rooms, the order that he was used to was being torn apart in an instant. But as the lake continued to lap at the shore, he thought about what he had read. Perhaps it would be better this way, throwing out the old and rolling with the punches.

The lake rose and engulfed him, chaotic and swirling, and the house burned to the ground. All the while, Adam was smiling.

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